Posts Tagged ‘funny’
Best Retirement Letter. EVER!
Posted on: January 28, 2015
A colleague posted his farewell e-mail today (1/28/15). Had to share!!
Dear Colleagues;
My last day here at [redacted] is this Friday the 30th and I had a really hard time drafting my retirement letter , so I need my colleagues to help me fill in the blanks.
After ___[1]___, I have decided to leave [redacted] in order to ___[2]___. While this was not an easy decision for me, ___[3]___. I have ___[4]___ my time here and will___[5]___. [redacted] has been ___[6]___ and I will always ___[7]___. I look forward to___[8]___ and wish you all ___[9]___. Until ___[10]___, I bid you all adieu.
[1]
a. thoughtful consideration
b. the flip of an “Massachusetts” commemorative quarter
c. years of searching for a way out
d. a couple shots of Wild Turkey
e. recovering from my bout of amnesia and remembering I never went to Engineering school
[2]
a. accept an in-house position as a Walmart Greeter
b. pursue an acting career
c. abandon my alter-ego and devote all my time to my super hero duties
d. live off the generosity of others (i.e. Deborah)
e. be able to sleep till 9am every morning
[3]
a. I feel it is the right one
b. the Magic Eight Ball is never wrong
c. it wasn’t exactly rocket science either
d. it was easier than hanging around until somebody realized I wasn’t doing anything
e. stock options are hard to resist
4]
a. thoroughly enjoyed
b. cautiously endured
c. already forgotten most of
d. surfed the internet a lot during
e. miraculously survived
[5]
a. miss all of you I have come to know
b. never look back
c. remember the little people I crawled over on my way to the top
d. miss the free booze
e. eagerly await the tears of sorrow when you hear I am leaving
[6]
a. a great place to learn bio-technology from some of the best
b. very punctual with my pay checks
c. a benevolent master to this flying monkey
d. by far the best Company I’ve ever worked for
e. the source of my indigestion. Oh wait that is the cafeteria food
[7]
a. value my experience here
b. be thankful I wasn’t fired for …..(hehe)
c. keep garlic and a crucifix nearby
d. think back fondly when using my frequent flyer miles
e. believe the children are our future
[8]
a. playing golf with many of you in the future
b. getting out of here alive
c. retirement
d. the next episode of The Apprentice
e. being the summer help (wa-ha-ha-ha)
[9]
a. the best of luck in your future endeavors
b. had gotten me a going away gift
c. would have a drink with me someday
d. were coming with me
e. could appreciate how funny this memo is
[10]
a. our paths cross again
b. I lose in the stock market and come begging for my job back
c. hell freezes over
d. the next team-sponsored event with an open bar
e. I need a competent lawyer to fix something I’ve screwed up
Don’t come back to work (drunk?)
Posted on: May 15, 2013
My boss once told us: “Don’t come back to work drunk”
He also told us to feel free to interpret that any way we wanted.
So naturally, we took it to mean, “Go out to lunch, have a few, and take off the rest of the day off!” (I should have prefaced this by mentioning that our boss has no qualms with inebriation)
With our boss’s blessing (and reassurance that he has a bail fund ready), myself and some of the lab rats have indulged during lunch. And after a few (too many), we tend to get all philosophical…or at least, some silly drunken version of philosophy happens… This has led to several major – albeit temporary – epiphanies on my part:
1) We need a sign to count the days since our last event of nonsense. Like the kind that track the number of days since the last safety / health violation. Only better and more fun. Plus, it’s more efficient to have a sign do my counting than try to count in my head. Which hurts. But that might be the hangover.
2) I love EVERYONE (Even Nutty MaGee!). There’s so much love it makes my head want to explode with sparkles and unicorns and butterflies!
(Note: Feelings of affection and general well-being decrease exponentially as sobriety increases)
3) Goats would be a great way to cut the vast expanse of grass outside the lab window: Goats are cheaper than using a lawn service. Because you don’t have to pay goats.
Further, having goats would provide us with entertainment.
Plus, since goats eat anything, they could also double as paper shredders. Which would reduce electricity costs.
And we could use goat poo to fertilize stuff.
Heck, maybe we could even use some of the facility land as a goat shelter for homeless goats.
In short, I’m pretty sure having goats at work would help us save the world.
4) Stuffing Tribbles into the machines at work is a brilliant idea
(http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/ac6e/?srp=1) .
If you’re not familiar with Tribbles, they are cute, fuzzy little critters from Star Trek that like to breed and clog up machines with their cute selves.
And they make purr sounds.
So naturally I must get more than the one I currently have. And clog up ALL the machines. Clog them with cuteness! Mwahahahaaa!
5) Chocolate is a vegetable:
Chocolate is made with sugar and cocoa beans –> sugar and cocoa beans come from a plant –> plants are vegetables –> vegetables are healthy –> chocolate is a vegetable so eat more of it
6) So many epiphanies, so little short term memory. What was I doing?….
Llamas!
Posted on: May 2, 2013
Holy Squirrel Cage Batman! It’s spring in MA!!
Even the lab rats have been sneaking out at lunch to see the sun (it DOES still exist!)
To celebrate the warm weather returning (and for no good reason), Here’s the Llama song!
Loading torpedoes – Fire!
Posted on: April 23, 2013
The following is based on true events
It’s afternoon in the office. Four of us are quietly working away in our cubicles, when all of a sudden all hell breaks loose:
Me: Fire One! (lets one rip)
Ike: Uh oh, loading torpedoes!!! (pauses) Fire Two!! (belches)
Me: (I’m giggling, so another one slips loose) whups, fire three!
Meerkat: Ewwwwww! You guys!!!!
Me: Tee-hee!
Ike: (innocently) What?
(Suddenly a strange smell begins to permeate the room)
Meerkat: (sniffing) Oh my god, was that YOU? It smells like something died!
Me: I don’t smell anything. Besides, it couldn’t be me. My farts smell like rainbows and flowers and unicorns.
Ike: Kinda smells like fish. And maybe sour milk
Me: (the smell finally reaches me, my eyes begin to tear up) Guys, what IS that?
Ike: Al, do you smell that?
(No response)
Ike: Al?
(No response)
Me: AL!!!
Al: Huh? What? Sorry, Ipod.
Ike: Do you smell anything?
Al: Oh yeah, I just heated up my lunch
Meerkat: Oh my god, what are you eating?
Al: Just some left overs
Me: (feeling nauseated) What is it?
Al: Um, some fish and rice and veggies and stuff kinda thrown together
Ike: (Peers over his cubicle wall) Dude, is that milk? And sardines? What have you got in there?
Al: Yeah, milk and stuff.
Meerkat: It smells rotten!
Al: Well it’s been sitting out
Ike: Wait, you didn’t refrigerate it?
Al: No but it’s OK because I microwaved it.
Meerkat: How long has it been out for?
Al: Um, only a couple of days I guess
Ike: You sure you wanna eat that?
Me: Ok, we need to evacuate (begins to dry heave, runs out into hallway)
Ike: Run awaaay!
Al: (lets one rip) *tiny voice* excuse me!
Playlist
Posted on: April 19, 2013
- In: Shenanigans
- 1 Comment
Prior to the stat of a group meeting, the lab rats were discussing what music we would put on a playlist if we had our own soundtrack. Here’s what we came up with:
1) Weird Science (Oingo Boingo)
2) They’re Coming to Take me Away, Ha Ha (Napoleon XIV)
3) Somebody’s Watching Me (Rockwell & Michael Jackson)
4) All by Myself (Celine Dion) – for those long, lonely work nights –
5) Creep (Radiohead)
6) Skullcrusher Mountain (written / sung by Jonathan Coulton)
7) Still Alive – from Portal – (written by Jonathan Coulton / sung by Ellen McLane)
8) Pinky and the Brain Theme
9) Team America: I’m so Ronery
The 6 Phases of work
Posted on: April 16, 2013
- In: Shenanigans
- 1 Comment
A fellow lab rat sent me this and I thought I’d share:
Phase 1
You are listening to jazz
Your first day at work is great.
Your co-workers are wonderful, your cubicle is cute, and your boss is the best!
Phase 2
You are listening to pop music
After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you’re coming or going anymore.
Phase 3
You are listening to heavy metal
This is what you feel like at month end.
Phase 4
You are listening to hip hop
You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation.
Your coworkers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in.
You have started thinking “WHATEVER” about your boss
Phase 5
You are listening to GANGSTA RAP
After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a “good hair day”
feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.
Phase 6
You are listening to the voices in your head
You have built a makeshift door on your cubicle to keep people out,
you have a dartboard with your boss’s picture on it in your cube,
you wonder why you are even here in the first place.
If it bleeds we can kill it…
Posted on: April 15, 2013
I shared “Predator: The Musical!” with my interns. To my surprise they actually learned some of it. For about a week I would walk into lab and they’d start singing:
And just to make it better, we also found we love “Robocop: The Musical” as well.
The Lab 
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